Sleeping Problems

Dear WATG,

Lately, I’ve had a tough time sleeping. Any suggestions?

Lorna – Piscataway NJ

Dear Lorna,

First things first, WATG is too formal. You can call me Gary, even though I really don’t like the name Gary. I think I should have been named Nick instead. Like Johnny Cusack taught me, in The Sure Thing, “Nick’s your buddy. Nick’s the kind of guy you can trust, the kind of guy you can drink a beer with, the kind of guy who doesn’t mind if you puke in his car, Nick!”

Guarasci is a tough one too. I didn’t know how to properly spell it until I was in the 7th grade. And pronunciation? More people butcher my name than the friendly butcher in the Acme Markets meat room. Guh-Rash-ee. It’s really not that complicated when you think about it, but since I’m doing away with Gary, then Guarasci must go too. I need a tough sounding name to go with Nick, something edgy. What’s more edgy than the color black? Black is not enough though. Might get confused with being a relative of Jack Black. I got it! I’ll put an ‘e’ at the end of it. Nick Blacke. I could go by the nickname Blackie. Wait, that doesn’t sound racist, does it? Blackie. Yeah, it sounds a little bit racist so don’t call me that.

So, in conclusion, I will answer to Nick Blacke, Gary Guarasci, or if you insist, WATG. Thanks for the question Lorna!

Post Script: I just realized that I never answered your question. Try downing a six-pack of beer before going to bed, but whatever you do, do NOT mix it with sleeping pills. That’s just a recipe for disaster.
I know because one time I accidentally did it and never woke up again. True story.

If booze isn’t your thing, then try masturbating. Even if it doesn’t work, I’m pretty sure you’ll have a good time with yourself and you’ll forget all about not sleeping. Thanks for the question Lorna!

– Gary

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