Coming Soon…


Coming Soon

Everything and Nothing

Daisy’s Day Off

A Night with the Brass Monkey

Falling on Your Sword

Drinking Tomato Water on a Sunday Afternoon While Dancing Aggressively in the Car Listening to the Pixies on the Way to a Bed and Breakfast to Start a Vacation Out of State

Nonna’s New Nightmare

Before the World Changed

Interview with the Zombie

Bubba’s Birthday Bash

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Coming Soon


Sometime in 2022

Coming Soon

Picking Daisy

Boys Brunch: Flapjacks and Beer

How to Day Drink without Falling Asleep by 3 PM… eastern standard time 

Fixating on Fiona

Cold Cheese

Interview with a Zombie

Bubba’s Birthday Party Bash

Put on Your Red Shoes Under the Serious Moonlight While Jazzin’ for Blue Jean

This Is How It All Ends

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How to Make Out with Someone During a Pandemic


Coming soon… Complete with step by step guide and pictures.

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Coming Soon


Coming Soon …

Interview with a Zombie

Under the Serious Moonlight While Jazzin’ for Blue Jean

Bubba’s Birthday Party Bash

Pray For Us Sinners 

“Hello.” She Lied

Hell Awaits at the South of Heaven during Seasons in the Abyss

Junkies, Liars, and Thieves

Killing the Protagonist

The Adventures of One Piece Girl and Short Pants Boy

Boot Knockers

Purgatory

Sitting on the Floor in the Dark Eating Cheese Alone

Pretty Things To Look At – A Thrilling Romantic Horror Suspense Comedy Fable

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The Best Part of the Song (Redux)


They were running late for their road trip. It didn’t really matter whose fault it was. It was his. It was always his.

“Just for the record, we are late and it’s totally not my fault, yet again.” She said to him.

“Are you keeping count?” He asked.

“Nope, just making an observation. Let me make sure we have everything. Hydration? Check. Road Chips? Check.”

“What are road chips?”

“Chips you eat while on the road, duh.”

“Of course, how could I not know that?”

“Probably because you’re always late. Okay, I’m in charge of the music.”

“What? No, the driver is always in charge of the music.”

“Really? Since when?”

“Since forever. You’ve never seen that bumper sticker?”

“What bumper sticker?”

“Driver picks the music; Shotgun shuts their cake hole.”

“That’s a stupid bumper sticker.”

“I didn’t make the sticker nor the rules, little miss missy.”

“You’re just enforcing them?”

“Damn Skippy.”

“Hey speaking of bumper stickers, look.”

“Look at what?”

“That car in front of us.”

“What about it?”

“They’re from the same town as you are, Bogota.”

“What? How can you tell that?”

“They got a little sticker in the back of their car of the Bogota High School mascot, the Buccaneer.”

“What?”

“You told me that the mascot for Bogota was a buccaneer. That’s a buccaneer right there.”

“Ummmm, I hate to break this to you, but…”

“But, what?”

“That’s a sticker for Seton Hall.”

“It is?”

“Yes, that’s the Seton Hall Pirates.”

“Hmmmm. Looks like a bucanner to me. What’s the difference between a pirate and a buccaneer anyways?”

“I have no clue.”

“Google to the rescue!”

“How about we pick out some music and identify the best part of the song instead?”

“Best part?”

“Sure, it will be a fun little road trip game. We’ll listen to a song and then afterwards we will both guess as to what the best part was.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“What, that there’s the best part of every song or it will be a fun road trip game?”

“A little of both actually.”

“I’m telling you every single good song has a best part to it.”

“Every single song?”

“No, not every single song. Every single good song.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Well, if it’s a bad song, it won’t be able to have a best part.”

“I see. So can you name the best part of any good song?”

“Of course.”

“Cool. Let me see your phone.”

“Why?”

“We’re going to play your game and I’m going to test you.”

“There’s no music on my phone.”

“What? That’s impossible. Everyone has music on their phone.”

“Not me.”

“Why not?”

“I use my iPod.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously, what?”

“Seriously Grandpa.”

“Okay, okay. I get it. I’m old.”

“I’m just messing with you. Give me the iPod, Grandpa.”

“I’ll tell you this, the iPod has never failed me. It has everything you can imagine – including but not limited to stuff from back in my pirate days.”

“Don’t you mean your buccaneer days? Let me see if I can even figure out how to work this thing.”

“Just hit the button and used the click wheel.”

“Got it. Okay, first up: AC/DC – Long Way to the Top.” 

“That’s an easy slam dunk.”

“Oh, is it now?”

“Sure, everyone knows that it’s the bagpipes.”

“Everyone?”

“Everyone who’s heard the song.”

“Okay, okay, next up: Anthrax – Indians.”

“Are you going alphabetically?”

“It just makes a whole lot of sense to me. I mean they’re right there all in a row. So, what’s the best part of this one?”

“When he goes like this, he goes, WARDANCE!” He screams.

“How does he go?”

WARDANCE!” He screams again.

She looks at him and can’t help herself but to laugh.

“You’re mocking me.”

“You make it so easy.”

“Okay, okay. What’s next?”

“Bob Dylan, really? You have Bob Dylan on this thing?”

“Sure, I love Bob Dylan. Who doesn’t?”

“Ummm, me.”

“Really, why? What did he ever do to you?

“To me nothing, but to my dad…”

“What? Your dad knows Bob Dylan? Why am I only hearing about this now?”

“I don’t know. I guess it just never came up.”

“What could Bob Dylan have possibly done to raise your father’s ire?”

“He borrowed $20 from him and never gave it back.”

“What? You’re making this up”

“Nopes, totally not making this up. They were living in the city. He wasn’t big and famous yet and he asked my father for $20. My father gave it to him and never got a penny in return.”

“That seems a little hard to believe.”

“What’s so hard to believe? Bob Dylan is a mooch.”

“I’m sorry but I don’t believe it. It just seems very unlikely.”

“You calling my father a liar?”

“No, I’m just saying he’s probably not remembering it right.”

She looks at him and musters up her best Al Pacino impression. “Fredo, you’re my brother and I love you, but don’t ever take sides against the family again.”

“Okay, weirdo. Next song?”

“Whoa.”

“Whoa what?”

“You have Hall and Oates on here?”

“Of course. My musical tastes are ecclectic.”

“I see. Okay, Hall & Oates – Private Eyes.”

“You’re picking all the easy ones.”

“I am? Well, what’s the best part then?”

“It’s the clapping. Any song that has clapping in it automatically makes that the best part of the song.”

“Well, there you go. You really do learn something new every day. Who woulda thunk you’re a big fan of clapping.”?

“Go deeper into the pod for the next one?”

“Since for some reason you are set against me going alphabetically, let’s spin the wheel – no whammies, no whammies, no whammies, stop!”

“Pulling out a Press Your Luck reference and you call me old?”

“Ha ha ha.” She said sardonically.

“Okay what did you come up with?”

“The White Stripes – Black Math.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously, what?”

“That’s another easy one. It’s when Jack White goes like this, he goes, Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.”

“Wait, how does he go?”

“Nope, you’re not going to get me to do it again.”

“I thought I could, sometimes you make it too easy.”

“Here’s a little bit of tid for you.”

“Bit of tid?”

“A tid bit.”

“And you call me a weirdo? Okay, I’ll bite. What’s your bit of tid?”

“Anthrax does a phenomenal cover of Black Math. I have it on picture disc.”

“Picture disc?”

“Come on now. You’ve heard of picture discs before.”

“No, I can honestly say I never have.”

“It’s when they press a picture onto the record instead of it being the traditional black vinyl.”

“Records? Seriously, how old are you?”

“Age begets wisdom.” She stares at him blankly. “Okay, you’re not buying that one. Give me another one.”

“Okay, okay, okay. Here’s a really good song, Pearl Jam’s Jeremy.”

“That’s a toss-up.”

“Did I stump you?”

“Not yet, I’m narrowing it down but I think I got it.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“The Oooo Ooooo’s.”

“I’m sorry, did you just say the Oooo Ooooo’s?”

“Yeah, at the end of the song. The Oooo Ooooo’s”

“This game is boring me. I just want to listen to real music and eat chips.”

“In all fairness, we were supposed to listen to the song and then discuss.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I turn on the radio?”

“Sure, I’m not an animal?”

“What?”

“Sam Malone.”

“Who?”

“Sam Malone. The TV show, Cheers? Don’t tell me you’ve never seen it?”

“A little before my time, Grandpa.”

“Seriously, you’re only 5 years younger than me.”

“Okay, cradle robber.”

“What?”

“Dude, I’m totally messing with you again, of course I know Sam Malone. I just don’t get the reference.”

“There was an episode where he’s describing how he’s about to have sex with someone.”

“Oooooooooooo baby! Sounds steamy.”

“As steamy as NBC could be back then, I guess. He’s telling this story and says, I’m folding up my socks and Carla asks you fold up your socks before sex? and Sam replies, Sure… I’m not an animal.”

She just looks at him blankly.

“What?” 

“Crickets.”

“We’ll watch it tonight and you’ll laugh.”

“Challenge accepted, but now it’s radio time.” She tunes the satellite radio in the car to the Alt Nation channel and catches Riptide by Vance Joy playing. He’s about to say something to her when she interrupts him.

“Wait, wait, waaaaaaaaaaait.”

“What?”

“Ssssshhhhhhhhh. This is the best part of the song.”

The End

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Things Not to Say on A First Date – Part IV


  • Don’t mind me if I run off to the restroom. Dairy products give me explosive diarrhea and I know that cheese sauce is going to go right through me
  • I think drinking all that cough syrup and taking 4 Tylenol PMs wasn’t such a good idea.
  • Who would win in a fight, Superman or The Incredible Hulk?
  • I’m not cheap but, for full disclosure, I did pre-game before coming out tonight. Drinks can be quite pricey.
  • Does this napkin smell like chloroform?
  • This date seems to be going so much better than my last one. They actually snuck out the bathroom window before dessert.
  • I see that your blouse has the shoulders cut out of them. I like shoulders. They remind me of boobs. Tiny. Bony. Boobs. Without nipples of course.
  • qatlh choyu’meH bIjonqang?

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Yet More Top 5 Signs She Doesn’t Dig You Anymore


  • She buys a king size bed so that you’re really, really, really far from away from her in it.
  • After buying the king size bed, she still makes you sleep on the couch.
  • She asks you what you want her to pick up for dinner. You tell her you’re in the mood for pizza and wings. You come home to find a plate of salad waiting for you at the table, while she’s sitting there with a plate full of discarded chicken wing bones and pizza crusts
  • You have plans to spend the day together and she mistakenly sends a you text saying that she can’t make Girl’s Brunch Day because she has to hang out with the scumbag today.
  • She schedules family picture day but never tells you what day it is.
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Coming Soon… Part Deux



Drinking About You

Sick Puppy

Doctor’s Note

The Emotional Highjacking of Melanie

The Pandemic Wars

Meeting the Love of your Life at a Stop Light While Asking for Directions because your GPS isn’t Working

Telling Stories at 3 AM While Eating Cheese Fries and Gravy at the Diner

The Princess & The Butterfly – A Suburban Fable

The Blackout

Salutations from the Gutter

 

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Coming Soon…


Interview with the Zombie

Tripping up the Stairs with Machete in Hand

Cold Coffee and Gas Station Sandwiches

Chasing the Muse with Chloroform

Hair of the Dog

The Man Upstairs

Hidebound

Dancing with a Serial Killer

Captain Barbiturate and the Valium Vigilante

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Coming… Soon!


Dreams and Aspirations of a Modern Nihilist

The Princess and The Butterfly – A Suburban Fable

An Interview with the Zombie

Vapid Vitrole

Lovesick and other Hangovers

B. J. and the Bear: The Musical

Things Not to Say on a First Date – Part IV

How to Make Balloon Animals without Balloons

The Accidental Orgy

Bubba’s Birthday Bash

Stay tuned for many, many more.

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