Sex & Cheerios


Dear Gary,

I have a crush on one of my co-workers, but she doesn’t even know I’m alive. What should I do?

Mike – Moonachie NJ

Dear Mike,

Your situation warrants bringing the old saying to mind, “Do not fuck where you eat.” I’m a whole believer in this as I once fucked a girl on my kitchen table and it smelled like sex and cheerios for over a week.

Wait, I think I got the saying wrong. It’s not “Do not fuck where you eat” but “Do not shit where you eat”. I don’t really understand why anyone would want to do this, although a co-worker of mine once brought his lunch into the bathroom with him. Creepy.

If you want this girl to notice you, go down to your local CVS and pick out the cheapest bottle of cologne you can find. Stock up on it and buy out the entire stock. Don’t worry, they’ll re-order.

Next step is to put a ton of it on. I recommend ½ – ¾ of the bottle. Next time you see her, ask to borrow a pencil. Your newly acquired aroma will surely get her attention. If someone tells you that this is bad advice, ignore them. Chicks love this shit.

The next step to take is to follow her everywhere and take pictures of her. Again, chicks love their picture taken, especially when they’re eating. Try to get some candid shots of her as well and then make a huge collage of all the pictures you’ve taken. Anywhere betwixt 300 – 1000 pix will make for a nice collage. Take your time with it and cut out all of her eyes in the pictures. Now arrange them into one big, giant heart. Put it on her desk at work, or better yet mail it to her, but without a return address. Chicks love a little mystery. The next day when she brings it up at work to all of your co-workers, you can reveal yourself to be the true artiste. Sit back and watch the love fireworks explode.

Hope this helps. Thanks for the question Mike!

– Gary

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