Dear Gary,

I love my girlfriend, but lately she’s been having a problem.

She’s got gas.

At first I thought it was cute, she would fart and giggle and say, ‘I just tooted.’ every now and again, but lately she’s sounding like the cowboys sitting around the campfire, eating beans in the motion picture classic, Blazing Saddles.

The other night, I made homemade pepperoni bread and that was all she wrote. She spent the rest of the night “tooting” through out the entire house. She sprayed some fresh linen Lysol but that didn’t work. It smelled like someone shit on the laundry.

Since she’s become comfortable with her ass explosions, she thinks it’s hysterical to give ME a Dutch Oven. You know, when the person farts under the covers and then pulls the covers over the other’s head so they can smell the full effect?

How can I get my girlfriend to stop farting?

Signed, Fart Sniffer – NYC, NY

Dear Fart Sniffer,

When I first read your question, I have to admit, I had no idea what tooted meant. I thought you meant she sharted when she farted – meaning a little shit came out when she farted – but after reading more, I came to the conclusion that it just means to fart.

Blazing Saddles is indeed a classic movie. If you want to stop her from farting, I wouldn’t feed her any more beans though. If you ask me – and you did – it’s your own fault for giving her pepperoni bread. Everybody knows that pepperoni makes you fart.

As far as the house smelling like someone shit on the laundry, that’s just gross dude.

You’re never going to get this chick to stop farting, so I recommend you go with the old ‘what’s good for the goose, is good for the gander’.
For the record, I don’t really know what a gander is, but since she’s into the whole Dutch Oven thing, what you have to do is wait until she’s sitting down on the couch watching the TeeVee. When she’s really getting into her soap opera, or whatever it is that chicks watch, plant your ass in her face and rip one loose.

Welcome her to the Farting Game.

Thanks for the question Fart Sniffer!