Sexual Perversity in New Jersey

Dear Gary

I’ve been seeing this girl for a short amount of time (3 weeks) and I have to be honest, she makes me feel a little uncomfortable – sexually. It all started normally, with a few requests that included, but not limited to, hair pulling, ass smacking and her doing things with her feet to my cash and prizes areas. I like to think that I am as adventurous as the next guy, but the last time she asked me to choke her. I was as shocked as you are. I think this is a little over the top but I am curious to hear your take on it. Any thoughts?

Not So Crazy About All The Choking – Cedar Grove, NJ

Dear Not So Crazy About All The Choking,

Actually I am not as shocked as you are. This one time, this girl asked me to do the same exact thing to her. Like you, I had my trepidations about choking her neck, but after several times of her insisting, I finally obliged. While it did nothing sexually for me, it sure got her mojo revving. When first reading your letter, I was concerned that it might be the same girl, but then I remembered that one time I choked her out and got so scared because she was just lying there all limp-like that I left through her bathroom window.

But enough about me, let’s talk about you. You say that you’re adventurous, but how adventurous can you really be if you’re uncomfortable with a little sex choking? It sounds like your girlfriend has zero sexual inhibitions. My advice to you is to see how adventurous she can really be. Three weeks is more than enough time to find out exactly how far you can push the envelope so what I did was I’ve compiled a list I’ve found throughout the inter-web that you can try out with your girlfriend.*

Leading off the list is a DIRTY SANCHEZ – This is when you are administering anal sex with a woman and proceed to smear your poop-tipped penis on her upper lip.

CLEVELAND STEAMER – When you take a poo on a girl’s (or a guy’s) chest and then roll your ass over it back and forth.

THE ANGRY PIRATE – is when you ejaculate into the woman’s eye and then swiftly kick her in the shin. This act is to evoke an image of an eye patched pirate with a wooden leg.

SNOWBALLING – The act of transferring a man’s ejaculation back into the contributor’s mouth.
A little bit o’ tid: I first learned this term from Kevin Smith’s movie Clerks.

DONKEY PUNCH – When the sexual act known as ‘doggy style’ is completed, you punch your partner in the back of the head.

BLUMPKIN – Taking a poop while receiving oral gratification.

TOSSED SALAD – In layman’s terms – Eating ass.

RUSTY TROMBONE – A continuation of a Tossed Salad, but with the addition of receiving hand stimulation.

NY STYLE TACO – The act of regurgitation on a woman’s Hey-Nanny-Nanny (also known as a Hoo-Hah)

WHEELBARROW – The sexual act is done from behind with the partner on all fours. Sweep the arms out from under them thus creating a wheelbarrow effect.

CHILI DOG – Defecating on a woman’s chest and then proceeding to masturbate the penis betwixt her breasts.

STAR CRUNCH – When you are fornicating a girl from behind and remove your inserted penis and proceed to punch her in the bunghole.
This act was found by accident. One day I Google’d my beloved snack cake- from my youth – manufactured by Lil Debbie and stumbled across this. Needless to say, I lost my appetite after that and, and, and, I think I’m traumatized.

FOOT FUCKING – When a man takes a woman’s feet and presses them together to form a makeshift vagina and proceeds to fuck them. Yes, you read that right; he fucks her feet.

Last but certainly not least, SKIING – when a woman is lying in the middle of two men and proceeds to manipulate both of them at the same time, indicative of the act of skiing.

Another little bit o’ tid: This act shows up in detail in an unproduced screenplay of mine entitled Intellectual Conversations. If there’s anybody interested in producing it you can contact me directly.

I think that should about do it for now. When you’ve completed every task on this list, reach out to me again and I’ll give you some more.

Thanks for the question, Not So Crazy About All the Choking!

Special thanks to JLS for help with compiling the list.

* Editor’s note: Gary Guarasci (That’s me!) does not condone anything on the above list, including, but not limited to, violence, poop and foot fucking, but realizes that different people like different things and provided the list as a mere support tool for those interested in that sort of thing.

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8 Responses to Sexual Perversity in New Jersey

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  4. Arelagreele says:

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    • Gary G says:

      No thank you Arelagreele. I’m okay with not visiting you for details on donkey punches. Once you do your first one, the mystery is gone.

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