My girlfriend is a firecracker in the sack, but once a month when she gets her “monthly visitor” she won’t give me… how can I put it? Oral favors. She says, “If I can’t get sexual satisfaction for a week, why should you?” I tried to explain to her that if she doesn’t want to use her mouth, why not give me a tugger? Is there anything I can do to make her see my way during her time of the month?
Looking for Oral (or Hand) Sex – Blumpkin, NJ
Dear Looking for Oral (or Hand) Sex,
When I first read your letter, I thought it was a joke. I’ve lived in NJ all of my life and never heard of Blumpkin NJ before so I looked it up.
You know what I found?
It doesn’t exist.
So instead of telling you to be grateful that you have a firecracker in the sack 3 out of 4 weeks in the month, I decided to write your girlfriend a reply instead:
Dear Looking for Oral (or hand) Sex’s Girl Friend,
I received a letter from your boyfriend to try to persuade you into giving him oral (or hand satisfaction) whilst your Aunt Flo from Red Bank is visiting. Instead of answering his letter, I decided to direct you over to a previous letter I received for some tips:
While I am aware that you do not have a dick to dip into Tabasco sauce, my suggestion to you is to take a mouthful of the stuff before you go down on your ungrateful boyfriend. If this is too drastic of a suggestion for you, give him the excuse that you have a sore in your mouth and instead of blowing him, you’ll give him a “tugger” as he so proudly likes to call them. Right before you decide to manipulate his member manually, rub your both your hands with Icy Hot.
This will end all future discussions of him asking for any sexual favors during your Ladies Days. So sit back, pop a few Midols and eat a couple of BonBons. You deserve it.
Thanks for the question Looking for Oral (or Hand) Sex’s Girl Friend!