The Douche Bag Speculation

The date went well enough that she invited him back to her place for a nightcap. She poured them both a drink and brought them back to the couch where he was waiting. It wasn’t much longer from then when they went at it like a couple of horny teenagers. After a few moments of kissing she stops pushes him gently back and says, “Stop. We can’t do this.”
“Why, why can’t we do this? Oh. Do you have your ladies days?” He asked her.

“My what? Ladies days?”

“Yes, is it that time of the month?”

“What? No. You’re a nice guy.”

“Thank you, I think so too.”

“You didn’t let me finish.”

“Sorry. Finish.”

“You’re a nice guy but this can’t continue.”

“I’m confused. Why can’t this continue again?”

“Because I’m a douche bag.”

“What? No you’re not.”

“Yes I am. I’m a complete and utter douche bag. I’m a douche. ”

“Stop saying that. You’re not a douche.”

“I’ve accepted this a long time ago. We are who we are.”

“I don’t hang out with douche bags.”

“You do and you are. Right here, right now. Hanging with a douche. I’m not a nice person.”

“Well, I don’t see it and don’t believe it for one minute.”

“You might not believe it but it’s true. So I’m stopping this now before you realize it and break my heart. Not that I wouldn’t deserve it, being a douche bag and all.”

“I’m not going to break your heart.”

“You say that now, but in the end it’s going to happen. So that’s why this can’t happen now. We’re just going to have to be friends. Nothing else. No smooching. No canoodling. Nothing of a sexual context.”

“I understand.”

“You understand?”

“Yes. I can respect your feelings. I disagree with the reasoning behind it but I understand.”

“So we’re cool?”

“We’re definitely cool. All I want is you to be happy. Nothing else. No ulterior motive going on. You’re happiness is all I want.”

“That’s it? You don’t want anything more?”

“Of course I do but that doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t, why not?”

“No, it really doesn’t. We went out, we laughed, and we had fun. You did have fun tonight, right?”

“Yes, I had fun with you.”

“There you go. You and I had a good time. I got to do so many things I didn’t before.”

“Really, like what?”

“I got to spend time with you. I got to sit next to you and talk to you. I got to hold your hand; I got to touch your face, and the kiss, my god, the kiss. So yeah, I would like more, but if this is all that I can have. I’m seriously okay with it.”


She looks at him right in the eyes for only a moment before she grabs his face and starts kissing him again. After a few moments, she looks at him again and says, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

I’m a douche bag.”

The End

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