“I just love this time of the year.” She said as she closed the oven door with her oven mittens on.

“And what time of year is it exactly?” He questioned her.

She turns around to face him and stretches out her apron with Santa Claus faces adorned throughout to show him.

“I’m not following.” He said to her.

“Christmas time!” She replied excitedly.

He takes a quick look at the calendar hanging on the wall and looks back at her and says, “You’re late.”

“Late? What am I late for?”

“Christmas in July. I hate to break it to you but it’s August now.”

“I’m not following.”

“You’re either a month late or four months early. The choice is yours.”

“I know it’s August but I was in the store and I saw all these decorations and it put me in the Christmas mood so now I’m baking cookies.”

“You turned on the oven in this heat?”

“Don’t be such a grumphus.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“A grumphus. It means you’re being a grump.”

“I’m not,  I’m just saying I’m not that into Christmas, especially when it’s not even near that time of year.”

“Wait. What?”

“What?”

“What did you just say?”

“I’m not that into Christmas.”

“I’m breaking up with you.”

“No, you’re not.”

“You’re right. I’m not but how could you not like Christmas? That’s like sacrilegious or something.”

“Yeah, or something. I don’t know. I just never liked it.”

“What’s not to like. You get presents from Santa Claus and everything.”

“Really, Presents from Santa Claus?”

“Come on, work with me here.”

“Okay.”

“Everybody knows that you get presents from Santa Claus when you’ve been good. Have you been good this year, little boy?”

“I’ve been okay, I guess.”

“You guess? If you believe in Santa, you get presents. Everybody knows that!”

“I don’t believe in Santa.”

“I’m breaking up with you.”

“Again, no you’re not.”

“Okay, you’re right again. I’m not, but I am shocked to hear this.”

“What’s shocking? I’m not 8 years old.”

“You could have fooled me with all of the video games you got.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Nuttin Hunny©. You were saying?”

“I’m just not into Christmas time is all. I’m not begrudging you for liking it, most people do, I’m just not one of those people.”

“Maybe I can change your mind after you have some of these Christmas cookies I made.”

“I doubt it, but I will take three cookies.”

“Three? Why three?”

“One cookie for each of my hands, and then one for my mouth.”

“You are so cute.”

“I learned that from watching All in the Family.”

“Again… so cute. What’s your beef with Santa Claus anyway? Did he give you a lump of poop in your stocking one year or something?”

“I never bought into the whole thing.”

“What’s there to buy? He comes once a year to give presents to everybody.”

“See? That’s what I mean. How could he possibly get to everyone’s house in a few short hours across the entire planet?”

“Those reindeers are pretty quick.”

“Flying reindeers? I never bought that neither.”

“Sometimes you just gotta suspend your disbelief. I guess you never left milk & cookies out for him or carrots for the reindeer?”

“I did, but then I thought about it. Why should I feed into this fat guy’s pre-diabetes state?”

“I’m at a loss for words right now.”

“Think about it, here’s some fat fuck that’s scoffing down probably a million cookies and 5 gallons of milk that night.”

“Maybe he just takes a few bites of each only.”

“Maybe, but then he’s wasting food is he not? Let’s just say for the sake of argument he IS eating all of them. At that rate, they’ll have him laid up in a hospital being fed insulin intravenously.”

“I don’t think that they do that.”

“I don’t know, I’m not a doctor but I’m not going to be a sucker.”

“A sucker?”

“A sucker for Santa. He can suck it,”

“Whoa!”

“Sorry, it’s how I feel.”

“Okay, note to self: No Christmas time for you”

“Wait.”

“No, I get it you don’t like Christmas and I’m not going to even try to change your mind about it.”

“No, wait.”

“No decorations, no ‘prises, no cookies, got it. A brick building doesn’t have to fall on my head for me to get the message.”

“Well…”

“Well, what?”

“Maybe we can eat some of the cookies you just made.”

“Does this mean you like Christmas again?”

“No not at all, but I like you and you like Christmas, soooooooooooo…”

“So…?

“Would you like to head to the store to pick up the decorations you saw?”

“I knew you’d come around! Okay, but just one thing.”

“Yes?”

“Let’s eat some cookies.”

The End