Last August I posted a bit of tid entitled GPS, Tangelos & The One Night Stand. For those unfamiliar, here it is again in its entirety:
GPS, Tangelos & The One Night Stand
Posted on August 4, 2010 by Gary G
Sometimes I’ll have a lady friend over and we’ll get together for a little “unification” if you can grab what I’m throwing out to you. My problem is these are usually just one-night stands or booty calls at best but I don’t want to seem like a dick about it when it’s time for them to leave. Is there anything that I can do to make the “Walk of Shame” a little more palatable for the ladies the next morning?
One-Night Standoff – Wallington, NJ
Dear One Night Stand-Off,
Your question is a very good one indeed. Not too recently, many moons ago if you will, I found myself in a similar situation and was also at a loss for what to do.
After a night of alcohol-induced “unification”, (Yes, I caught what you were throwing) my lady friend decided to be off on her merry way. She opted not to wait until we were a tad more sober and decided to hoof it home. I walked her to the door and gave her a pat on the ass to let her know she had a good game. With a look of confusion on her face, she left.
Flash forward: She calls me to let me know that she got home okay, but on her way to the next town over, she decided that she was hungry. She activated her GPS on her mobile and sought out a place for nourishment. She found and stopped off at the 7-11 and got one of those phallic looking bananas to satiate her hunger. I applauded her for, both making it home and, eating healthily. I didn’t think much of the whole incident until a few weeks later.
Flash forward: A few weeks later: After a few hours of imbibing adult beverages at a local watering hole, I’m back at my place to go another round of “Fornication Unification”. (You read it here first – I just coined that phrase – Fornication Unification – feel free to use it, but just make sure you quote the source) This chick is new to Guarasci Land (don’t judge me) and in a slightly drunken haze, I recalled the last sexxxy time incident involved, so the next morning, I hand her a tangelo. That’s right. A tangelo.
It’s a win-win situation for everyone. You don’t seem like a callous dick just looking to get laid, and she gets some well-deserved sustenance. Patting her on the ass can be used at your discretion. In my opinion, everyone likes to be told that they had a good game. The choice is yours.
Thanks for the question One-Night Standoff!
Post Script: In the case you don’t have any tangelos to give her, feel free to use any fruit you have laying about. Out of fresh fruit? A can of tuna fish always hits the spot. Just be sure to give her a can opener. Out of food completely and need to go food shopping? Make sure her GPS is activated on her mobile phone.
You might be curious as to why I’m reposting this. I’m glad you asked Curious Reader. The reason is not too long ago I had a fornication unification session. I coined that phrase so if you’re going to use it, remember to quote the source. After the orgasmic love-making session ended a few hours later, (It was probably minutes, but for my ego’s sake, it was hours) I asked my lady friend if she was hungry. She looked at me with shock and awe, as if I just killed her puppy. I assure you, I did not kill a puppy.
“Why are you asking me if I want something to eat?” She asked.
“I don’t know, I just figured you were hungry or something. Why?” I responded.
“What are you going to offer me a tangelo now?”
“Do you want a tangelo? I can check and see if I have any, but I don’t think I do.”
“No, I don’t want a fucking tangelo.”
“Okay, but you just asked for one.”
“Is that what you think of me?”
“I’m sorry, is what how I think of you?”
“That I’m some kind of whore?”
“Whore? What are you talking about?”
“I read Guarasci Land. I know about the tangelos.”
“Really you read Guarasci Land?”
“Yes, I read it.”
“So you’re the one!”
“Never mind. What does Guarasci Land have anything to do with this?”
“You offer tangelos and cans of tuna fish and can openers and pat the chick on the ass if they had a good game.”
“Well, everyone likes to know if they had a good game or not.”
“Okay, one: You’re not right and two: you didn’t pat me on the ass.”
With that statement, I slapped her on the ass and told her she had a good game. This seemed to anger her even more.
“What the fuck Gary?” She fumed.
“Why are you asking me if I want something to eat?”
“Because your stomach is growling really, really loudly.”
“Shut up. It is not.”
“Yes it is. I’m surprised you didn’t wake up the neighbors.”
As if this was a stage-plays queue, a knock came on the door. It was my downstairs neighbor.
“Is everything okay?” He asked.
“Yeah, everything’s fine. You okay?” I retorted.
“No I’m good but it’s late and there were loud noises.”
“Oh I’m sorry. You heard her making all the yummy noises while we were fucking? She can be quite boisterous sometimes.”
“You know, the whole ‘Yes, yes oh sweet baby Jesus.’ bit that she does.”
“I’m sorry, I have no clue what you’re talking about.”
“Well, then what are you talking about if you’re not here about all the fuck noises?”
“It sounded like growling up here.”
I looked at the chick. The chick looked away, slightly embarrassed.
“Growling?” I asked him
“Yeah, like you have some kind of starving animal up here or something. You know pets aren’t allowed.”
“Yes, I know pets aren’t allowed. It’s her stomach growling.”
“Well did you offer her something to eat?”
“Yes, and she got really, really mad at me.”
“Because of the tangelos?”
“Yes, because of the tangelos. How did you know?”
“I read Guarasci Land dude. Chicks are going to get mad at some of the shit you write.”
“Thank you for the constructive criticism. I’ll make sure we keep it down and I’ll try to write to appease the masses.”
“Have a good night.”
With that, he left and I looked at the chick that was actually looking up and away while whistling. I thought that shit only happened in the cinema. It doesn’t. I shook my head and walked into the kitchen. A few minutes later, I emerged and handed her a Ham and Cheese sandwich. She took the plate from me and ate it. No other words were spoken.