Bronchitis. Doesn’t rank too high under fun illnesses. I can’t really think of any illness that is fun, but if there were, bronchitis would definitely not make the list.

It all started out with a sore throat, followed by coughing. The kind of coughing that, when heard, makes other people exclaim, “BLECH!”

After finally having enough energy to get out of bed, I made a trip to the doctor’s office. It was a cool day and my appointment was scheduled for 3:00 PM EDT. I arrived very early for the appointment at 2:55 PM. The receptionist/nurse was bubbly as she instructed me to sign in and have a seat. There was no one else in the waiting room, and although the magazines were tempting to read, I dared not touch them. Sick people have read them. (Thanks Ricky Gervais).

The music playing on the radio was a dancey-dance type of station. Not my preferred taste, but I didn’t mind. The bubbly receptionist/nurse seemed to enjoy it and every now and again would sing along to the lyrics. I couldn’t tell what the bubbly receptionist/nurse’s main duties were as she was sitting at the desk but she was wearing blue scrubs. The doctor came out with a chart in his hand (they are always carrying some kind of chart) and exchanged pleasantries with her. I couldn’t make out what they were saying at first but I heard the words, ‘junior’, and ‘prom’. The bubbly receptionist/nurse became excited and demanded to see pictures. The doctor obliged.

The doctor then disappeared into the back while another large-boned lady entered the room. She explained to the bubbly receptionist/nurse that they were being audited on Monday and they needed to get ready for it. The bubbly receptionist/nurse then asked if she should dress up for the audit. The large-boned lady said it would be nice if she did and left.

The bubbly receptionist/nurse then proceeded to do “paperwork”. She then proclaimed that she was finished with the paperwork and went to go show the large-boned lady. I caught a glimpse of the paperwork and it was revealed to me that she had been coloring. Yes, Crayola Crayons© and all. She then exclaimed that she was a “ROCK STAR”

The wait time at this point was 20 minutes. Not the longest waiting time I’ve had, but it started to get on my nerves. It was at this point I began hearing the word, “BOP” coming from a female voice from the back area. It started out every few minutes but then slowly increased in its repetition.

BOP BOP BOP.

At first I just thought someone was keeping beat with the dancey-dance music playing from the radio, but then when the BOP’S came at points that didn’t fit to the music, I figured it must be someone with Tourettes.

5 minutes later, a tattooed nurse dressed in purple scrubs asked me to follow her to the examining room. I wondered to myself why there were two different colored scrubs running around the office. Must have been laundry day.

As we walked down the hall, I heard BOP at the loudest that I’ve heard it so far. The tattooed nurse was the Bop Girl.
She took me into the room and I proceeded to take my pants off.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?”
“Taking my pants off.”
“You don’t need to do that. I’m just going to take your blood pressure.”
“I don’t have to take my pants off?”
“Do you usually take your pants off when you’re getting examined by the doctor?”
“No, but it kinda felt right at the moment. No?”
“No.”
“Oh.”

After some awkward silence during the blood pressure test, (there was nary a bop after that) she told me that it was a little on the high side. She then left but not before saying the doctor would be right in.

I then waited another 40 minutes in the examining room. Not much to do in there so I started going through the cabinets. Not much was in there but I did find one of those knee hammers. Looking at my watch, I decided this would be a nice keepsake for my time. I put it in the pocket of my jacket. Yes, I realize I have not a need for a knee hammer, but it will go nicely along with my stethoscope that I took the last time they made me wait over an hour.

Getting more and more frustrated with waiting an hour and 15 minutes total I decided to call the bubbly receptionist/nurse.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING

“Hello XXX Medical, this is Brittany. How can I help you?”

(Why are all the bubbly chicks named Brittany?)

“Hi, this is Gary Guarasci and I was wondering where the doctor is.”
“I’m sorry. Who is this?”
“Gary Guarasci, from the waiting room. Remember me?”
“Where are you?”
“The tattooed nurse brought me into the examining room and I’ve been in here a really long time.”
“Oh. I was all like where is he calling from?”
“Did you guys forget about me?”
“Oh no not at all. The doctor is finishing up with another patient.”
“Another patient?”
“Yeah, he’s just running a little late is all.”
“Which patient?”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Which patient? There was no one else here and I saw him showing you pictures of his daughter’s junior prom almost an hour ago.”
“Oh here he is now. You’re next.”
“I’m next?”
“Yes, he’ll be right with you.”
“Okay, thank you.
“Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

The doctor came in and I asked him if he forgot me, he said no, but I think he was lying. He then looked in my throat, ears, and eyes. Listened to me wheeze for a few seconds and then advised me that I had bronchitis. He gave me a few samples of the antibiotic he was prescribing along with a coupon for money off said prescription and sent me on my way.

The End