The Hooters Incident


A long time ago in a galaxy not that far away, I joined a colleague at an eating establishment known for their waitresses wearing short shorts and tank tops. If there’s any doubt at the name of this fine eatery look only to the title of this piece.

I arrived earlier than my compatriot and sat at the bar and ordered a drink whilst I waited. I noticed a waitress staring at the end of the bar. I looked around to see who she was looking at. Surely it could not have been me. A little while passes by and I notice her walking towards me. She not-so-casually grazes against my arm. I say not-so-casually because there was plenty of room to pass by without initiating intimate contact. My friend shows up finally and I tell him the tale of events that have just transpired.

“Dude, she’s into you.” He said.
“No, she’s just looking for a big tip is all.” came my reply.
“You’re sitting at the bar.”
“Yeah so?”
“She’s a waitress for tables.”
“I’m not following.”
“Try to keep up. The bartender would be the one looking for the big tip. Not the waitress.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah… Oh.”
“The bartender’s not very nice.”
“She’s not?”
“No, you can’t get any more unfriendly than she is.”
“I’m sure she’s fine.”
“Nope, she’s a devil-woman.”
“Devil-woman?”
“Yeah I think I saw the horns peeking out.”
“Oh yeah? Well forget about that I have more proof that the waitress is digging you.”
“Oh yeah, what’s that?”
“She’s coming over here.”

I look over and sure enough she was on her way over to us. She seemed trepadacious for a moment but that went away as quickly as it came (That’s what she said).

“Excuse me?” She said to the both of us.
“Yes.” I said as matter-of-factly as I could.
“Has anyone ever told you that you look like Russell Crowe?”
“I’m sorry. What?”
“You look exactly like Russell Crowe.”
“Yeah, you mean someone that ate Russell Crowe, right?”
My friend interjected.
“Really? Fat jokes? That’s all that you can come up with?” I said looking at him.
“Sorry. I tend to go for the obvious.”

No, I’m serious. You really do.” said the waitress.
“Thank you?” I answered with apprehension.
“It’s a good thing. Trust me. Well, enjoy the rest of your evening.”

With that she went back to waiting on tables and I immediately said to my friend. “Dude, we gotta go sit at her table.”
“No, I’m good sitting right here at the bar.”
“Come on stop being such a dick. She’s into me.”
“Okay, but you owe me.”
“How and why could I possibly owe you for this?”
“Trust me. You owe me.”
“Okay, let’s go sit at that table she’s cleaning up now.”

We move over to the table and wait for her to come back. She comes over with a big smile and hands us both some menus.

“You guys changed you seats.” She said stating the obvious.
“Yes, I can see the TeeVee from here better.” I lied.
“Well okay then. Do you guys know what you want or do you need a few minutes?”
“I’ll have the fried fish platter and a beer.”
My friend says.
“Really? Fish?”
“What? It’s Friday. You’re not supposed to eat meat on Fridays.”
“Says who?”
“The Catholic religion.”
“Buddy let me tell you something, you could not eat meat for the rest of your life and you’re still going to burn in hell.”
“Nice. You see how he talks to me?”
He said looking at the waitress.

Laughing at the inane banter betwixt the two of us she asked, “How about you?”
“I’ll take the 20 piece wings with the hot sauce and another beer.”
“Spicy. That’s hot.”
“I’m sorry what?”
“Oh nothing. I just said that was hot.”
“Interesting.”
“I’ll put your orders in and I’ll be back with your drinks.
She said blushing.

“I think you’re right. I think she’s into me.”
“You think?”
“Yeah, she’s kind of hot too right?”
“You’re asking me?”
“Yeah, she’s hot. Did you notice that she says things are hot like I do?”
“Yeah so?”
“It’s just interesting that she says it too.”
“It’s not interesting. You both stole it from Paris Hilton and even she doesn’t say that anymore.”
“She doesn’t?;”
“No, she says ‘That’s Huge’ now.”
“That’s what she said.”
“I don’t think that she did.”
“She could have.”
“I highly doubt it.”

Only a few minutes pass by and she returns very noticeably upset.
Here’s your drinks guys. Your food should be out in a little bit.”
“Is everything okay?”
I asked.
“Yeah everything’s fine. Thanks for asking.”
She takes a few steps going back towards the kitchen but I call out, “Excuse me… waitress?”
She comes back to the table and says, “Erin.”
“I’m sorry. What?”
“Erin. My name is Erin.”
“Oh sorry Erin. I was just wondering.”
“Yes?”
“Those zip line things you use for the orders?”
“Yes?”
“Does anyone ever get hit in the head by it?”
“Oh gosh. I don’t know.”
“You’ve never seen it happen?”
“No, I’ve only been here a few weeks. I’ll go ask. Be right back with your food.”
“Are you sure everything’s okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine. Thank you.”

she replied almost bursting out into tears. She covered her eyes and ran off to the back.

“Way to go.” My friend said to me.
“What?”
“You already upset her.”
“Me, what did I do?”
“I don’t know but you made her cry.”
“I made her cry? How?”
“I don’t know. Probably with the zip line thing.”
“Why would that make her cry?”
“She probably got hit in the head with an order and is too embarrassed to talk about it.”
“You think?”
“It’s possible.”

A few minutes later a different waitress comes to our table and drops off our food. A little confused I ask her where Erin is.

“Oh yeah, Erin. Yeah she had to leave early.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Oh yeah no everything’s fine. She was just upset and left early is all.”
“Oh wow.”
“Yeah, she’s just overwhelmed with working and school and everything.”
“Oh school. Does she go to college around here?”
“College?”
“Yeah college.”
“She’s in high school.”


My jaw dropped to the ground.

“Well enjoy your meal boys.” She said as she skipped, literally skipped away.

After what seemed to be thirty straight minutes of my friend laughing. He finally said something to me.

“Hey G you know how I said you would owe me for sitting at this table?”
“Yeah?”
“Consider it paid in full.”

I have yet to go back to a delightfully tacky, yet unrefined establishment since.

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