Dear Gary,

I am a happily married woman, but my husband has been a little “off” lately. Last night, we were in bed and I thought we were about to do the horizontal shuffle. My husband leans over towards me, looks me in the eyes with a look of love, but then reaches across me for the iPad that was set down on the night table. I looked at him and said, “Really? That’s what you wanted? You didn’t want any of this?” This was the point where I flashed him a boob. He tilted his head, looked at me and then pat me on the head and said, “You’re so cute when you’re horny.” I was mortified! He followed that up with, “I’ll just be a minute.” To which I replied, under my breath of course, “What else is new?” I don’t understand. Why does my husband want to pay more attention to his iPad than he does to me?

iMad About His iPad – Mt. Laurel, NJ

Dear iMad About His iPad,

I saw what you’re describing to me on an episode of Boston Legal one time.

What you’re husband is suffering from (or thoroughly enjoying – if you look at it from his point of view) is objectum sexuality aka objectophilia. I wasn’t too familiar with the subject other than Alan Shore and Denny Crane told me so I looked it up. I don’t know if this is a new trend but some chick has the same thing your husband has: I Married the Eiffel Tower
So if you think about it, it could be a lot worse. He could walk around wearing it like a purse. Or even worse than that, he could divorce you and marry his iPad. Like all new gadgets, the attraction will fizzle after a while. Don’t worry, your husband will be fucking you again in no time or at least until Apple reveals a new product.

Thanks for the question, iMad About His iPad!