Dear Gary,

My boyfriend doesn’t have as a big of sex drive as I do. I’m 25 and he’s 49. I understand that he’s a little older than me, but I’m always in the mood for some action, but he’d rather watch sporting events. We don’t get to see each other but on the weekends, and I think that we should spend it locked up in the bedroom but he’d rather clean his house and then hit the bedroom for like 5 minutes. Sometimes, I’m waiting for hours in his bedroom, not wearing any clothes, while he cleans. This happens on Saturday, on Sunday he’d rather watch football all day long. One time I tried to give him a “blow jay” (as you like to call them) and he refused my advances. Between you and me, I love to give “blow jays”. Is there something that you can suggest to get him more in the mood?

Sex Deprived – EO, NJ

Sex Deprived,

You say that your lover is 49 years old and you’re 25 and you’re really asking why he doesn’t have as big of a sex drive as you do? Surely, you jest. It’s obvious that he’s afraid that you’re going to break his hip. A few bad turns in the sack and he’s looking at a huge hospital bill for hip replacement surgery. That might not be such a bad idea though, he could become a Bionic Man – “Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology.” Although, at 49 this might turn out to be not as fruitful as I had imagined. We should definitely make a new Six Million Dollar Man from someone a smidgen younger.

Maybe he’s just worried you’re going to give him a heart attack. Have you ever seen any Digoxin in the medicine cabinets? (Editor’s Note: Digoxin = heart medication)

You say that he’d rather clean on Saturdays than participate in unification while you wait for him in the bedroom, not wearing any clothes, for hours at a time. What exactly are you doing for all them hours w/o any clothes on? Are you treating your body like an amusement park in anticipation for your boyfriend to bust through the door, wearing nothing but his rubber gloves and holding a toilet brush? 5 minutes, huh? Since you didn’t mention anything else about this, I’m guessing that you’re okay with 5 minutes of “making whoopee” They used to call sex “making whoopee” way back in the olden timey days. What? I saw in on The Newlywed Game on the Game Show Network.

The declination of a blow jay makes me flummoxed. Absolutely flummoxed. To me that’s the ultimate. No, wait. (NO YOO WAIT!!!) The ultimate would be getting a blow jay, watching football and eating a sandwich – all at the same time! Next time he’s watching the game, hand him a sandwich before going down on his cash and prizes. If he still declines your advances, then you have to face facts that he’s gay and you’re his beard.

Thanks for the question, Sex Deprived!

Post Script: Since you love to give the Blow Jays so much, I’m more than willing to be a recipient.