Dear Gary,

Sometimes I’ll have a lady friend over and we’ll get together for a little “unification” if you can grab what I’m throwing out to you. My problem is these are usually just one-night stands or booty calls at best but I don’t want to seem like a dick about it when it’s time for them to leave. Is there anything that I can do to make the “Walk of Shame” a little more palatable for the ladies the next morning?

One-Night Standoff – Wallington, NJ

Dear One Night Stand-Off,

Your question is a very good one indeed. Not too recently, many moons ago if you will, I found myself in a similar situation and was also at a loss for what to do.

After a night of alcohol-induced “unification”, (Yes, I caught what you were throwing) my lady friend decided to be off on her merry way. She opted not to wait until we were a tad more sober and decided to hoof it home. I walked her to the door and gave her a pat on the ass to let her know she had a good game. With a look of confusion on her face, she left.

Flash forward: She calls me to let me know that she got home okay, but on her way to the next town over, she decided that she was hungry. She activated her GPS on her mobile and sought out a place for nourishment. She found and stopped off at the 7-11 and got one of those phallic looking bananas to satiate her hunger. I applauded her for, both making it home and, eating healthily. I didn’t think much of the whole incident until a few weeks later.

Flash forward: A few weeks later: After a few hours of imbibing adult beverages at a local watering hole, I’m back at my place to go another round of “Fornication Unification”. (You read it here first – I just coined that phrase – Fornication Unification – feel free to use it, but just make sure you quote the source) This chick is new to Guarasci Land (don’t judge me) and in a slightly drunken haze, I recalled the last sexxxy time incident involved, so the next morning, I hand her a tangelo. That’s right. A tangelo.

It’s a win-win situation for everyone. You don’t seem like a callous dick just looking to get laid, and she gets some well-deserved sustenance. Patting her on the ass can be used at your discretion. In my opinion, everyone likes to be told that they had a good game. The choice is yours.

Thanks for the question One-Night Standoff!

Post Script: In the case you don’t have any tangelos to give her, feel free to use any fruit you have laying about. Out of fresh fruit? A can of tuna fish always hits the spot. Just be sure to give her a can opener. Out of food completely and need to go food shopping? Make sure her GPS is activated on her mobile phone.