Skateboarding, Slushee Drinks and Beards

Dear Gary,

My neighbor’s kids are driving me crazy. He is constantly terrorizing the neighborhood with his skateboard antics and drinking slushees all the time.

(Chasing Amy’s Jason Lee from his skateboarding days)

In addition, he’s taking a fancy to throwing his litter in front of my door. I’ve tried talking to his parents, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. I’m at my wit’s end. What can I do?

Sick of the Shit – Pennsauken, NJ

Dear Sick of the Shit,

“Skateboard antics and slushee drinking” doesn’t seem to me to be a terror of the neighborhood, but if it’s really bothering you…

Oh wait. You said littering too. That’s just inexcusable.

It’s clear to me what you need to do. If the parents aren’t listening to your pleas for assistance, you need to call DYFS on them. For those, not familiar with DYFS, it is the Division of Youth and Family Services. Give them a call and let them know that the kid is dealing drugs in the neighborhood where you live. Tell them he stores all the drugs through a fake bottom of his slushee cup. Now, these accusations will more than likely not stick, but you will be able to have some peace and quiet for a few weeks whilst they investigate your allegations.

Thanks for you question, Sick of the Shit!

Dear Gary,

Recently I went out on a date with a guy. All seemed to go really well as he picked me up for dinner and the car ride to the restaurant, but that’s when things started becoming a little askew to me. At dinner, he went on and on about not knowing which wine would pair well with our food. No biggie, but he kind of made a big deal about not know. At dinner, he starts saying how the white wine paired really well with the asparagus. Again, no biggie but then he starts to notice a homosexual couple at the restaurant. He goes on and on about how he’s not “comfortable” with them being there, his great disdain for the gays, yadda yadda yadda, but then couldn’t stop commenting on how he didn’t understand how the one (semi-good looking) was with the other one (not so good looking). He also kept telling stories about his “friend” Steve that was starting to sound more like stories about an ex than a friend. On top of all this, he says that he doesn’t eat carbs. What boy doesn’t eat carbs?Putting all those little pieces of the puzzle together brings me to my question – is the guy I’m seeing gay?

Signs Pointing to the Closet – Belmar, NJ

Dear Signs Pointing to the Closet,

You ask what boy doesn’t eat carbs. I think I have the answer to that one – a fat one trying to lose weight. The Atkins craze of the early 90’s, although not very healthy, is a quick way for some weight loss but removes all carbs from the diet.

The second thing that stood out in our letter was the fact that he didn’t know what wine to pair with food. This is not a clear indication to someone’s sexuality either. I’d be more concerned that he was eating asparagus, as everyone knows it makes your pee smell funny.

When he comments on the homosexual couple in the restaurant and his “disdain for the gays” but seems to focus on why the one is with the other, it could be overcompensation, but again it shows no indication on his sexuality. It does, however, show signs that you might be dating a homophobe.
Finally, you say he talks a whole lot about his “friend” Steve, almost as if he’s an ex than just a friend. What were the stories about? Did he tell you funny little anecdotes about how, this one time after he was sucking Steve’s dick, he said the cutest little thing? If so, then you are in fact what they call in the homosexual community – a beard. If not, then continue dating this guy and see where it goes. Maybe he just likes both girls and boys. Nothing to lose here except a few free meals and maybe a trip to the cinema.

Thanks for the question, Signs Pointing to the Closet!

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