Zombie Penis


Dear Gary,

Lately, I’ve been noticing a small rash on the tip of my penis. Is this normal?

Maurice Boscarelli (but please don’t use my name, sign it with ‘Concerned’ instead) – Maywood NJ

Dear Maurice Boscarelli (but please don’t use my name, sign it with ‘Concerned’ instead),

Wow. That sure is a problem. I’ve never seen a name with so many vowels, parenthesis, and apostrophe’s before. If I were you I’d change it. It probably took you forever to learn how to spell it. Am I right?

Onto your question, I’m no doctor but it sounds to me that you’re penis is starting to turn into a zombie. It all starts out small (no pun intended – well maybe it was intended) with a small rash on the tip of your penis and next thing you know, you’re a full-fledged zombie. As far as I know there is no known cure for zombies.

I just checked. There isn’t.

This will be a terrible time for you, all of your friends are going to hate you and try to kill you and use items such as these against you.

It seems to me that you are fucked. I will suggest trying a new lotion for when you masturbate. This probably won’t do anything for the rash but it will leave your penis silky smooth and act as an inhibitor for when your flesh rots off. Also, you probably won’t be getting that much action once you’re a zombie so you better get used to masturbating.

What? Everyone diddles.

Good luck with your zombie penis. Thanks for the question Maurice Boscarelli (but please don’t use my name, sign it with ‘Concerned’ instead)

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